choices in life

I have to admit, sometimes, I blame my past for what is fated for me now. I hurt lots of people, I disapproved their existence in my life, I neglect their care for me, I do what I want and I don't even stop eventhough I know they were torn.

And I get what I deserve now. I'll be at this place for the upcoming 3 years and a half for a scroll. I hurt most of the people who loves me even they noticed my flaws and here I am. Stuck in a place which I am placed with no one near to my heart.

Most of you patut sedar, ada banyak sangat beza meluahkan perasaan melalui telefon dengan meluahkan perasaan depan mata orang tu, which kita akan tau, sama ada dia betul-betul peduli ataupun dia cuma seorang patung bernyawa.

I refused to answer most of the question been asked sebab personally I think, it isn't necessary.

I also put the blame on me for not studying hard during my SPM and matriculation. If I can turn back time, I'll do what it takes as long as I won't be here. I can't even understand my own life story. Because I think, I've been through a lot.

It is sad when this evening, my classmates asked me:

"What is happening to you? You look doom-er everyday. You now hardly enjoy the days here."

I can't give them any good answer. I don't know what I want. And I don't know what choices do I have in my life. I know, Allah has set something good for me and until now I am still hoping the time will come soon. I hope and I'll keep praying.

Lowest point

Kadang-kadang bila kita ada kat lowest point of our own self-esteem, apa yg kita harap cuma ada at least someone who means a lot dekat kita untuk datang and asks us, "need a shoulder?"

Bila semua benda seems so wrong, bila kita rasa semua orang nak tinggalkan kita for our flaws, bila orang yg pernah janji akan selalu ada mula nak menjauhkan diri, that's just when I need someone who's willing to hear everything I kept since 3 months ago.

I tried my best. And I just can't lie, to live here without people I love around, it's just too hard. And some people know the fact that I've never been this far from my family, my best mates, and my home to be precise.

I just wanna go back, meet those people and tell them how much they mean to me.

In the name of Allah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Selepas beberapa bulan, I finally got my strength to continue sharing my stories here. Even aku macam tau, who cares. Haha. Nvm, what I'm sure, at least for now, I'll continue writing :)

Actually aku tak decide pun lagi what'll be the genre of my writing. Tapi buat masa sekarang, mungkin cuma cerita-cerita membosankan yang mana aku tak tau nak curah kat mana so tadaa! Kat sini lah tempatnya! 

I decided to delete all my previous posts basically sebab I found the very immature version of me back then. I don't know but somehow this new life here in Sintok taught me to be more rigid, more mature and of course, to be more independent.

I know, it's just too early to declare myself as an independent grown ups student, but well. We know ourself better. I literally dah tinggalkan amalan-amalan yg berunsur negatif yg mana selalu aku buat dulu dari segi perkataan, perbuatan mahupun tulisan. 

Here in Sintok, aku pilih untuk mengecilkan kitaran kawan-kawan sbb aku tak nak get too attached to someone sbb nanti of course aku akan jadi tak independent. I can't pamper myself anymore macam masa kat kolej dulu. Tetiap minggu balik, tak reti basuh baju sendiri, tak siap homework etc. 

And again, sama macam masa kat kolej dulu, I've to try to adapt dgn semua subjek yg sangat asing dgn diri aku sendiri. Dulu susah masa nak belajar accounts economics business semua. And now, again, situasi yg sama dgn subjek berbeza which is:

• Malaysian Legal System
• Law of Contract I
• Islamic Law

And dengan bermulanya semester 1 ni, aku dah simpan tekad yg kuat, I'll leave this place with a scroll of LL.B (Hons) certificate and someday somehow, I'll fight for those who are in need of justice.